The European Union Golfing Commission (EUGC), which was established earlier this year as a result of The Treaty of Lisbon*, today (April 1st, 2010) announces important changes to the Rules of Golf. As part of the Treaty, the EUGC has superseded the R & A as the arbiter of golf laws throughout the European Union. The newly appointed European Golf Commissar, Mr. Lirpa Loof from Lithuania said: “These new Rules of Golf will make it easier for golfers throughout the EU to understand the game, will better reflect how average club golfers actually play the game, and will speed up play to meet EU Golf Playing Time Standards.”
The main changes are as follows:
1. Playing out of the Rough
A ball, sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough.
Explanation: Such veering to the right or left frequently results from the friction between the face of the club and cover of the ball, according to EU-funded research. The player should not be penalised for the erratic behaviour of the ball resulting from uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. Ball Hitting Tree
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit it.
Explanation: Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and there is no place for luck in a scientific game like golf or indeed under EU Equality Law. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have travelled and play from that point (or lifted and placed in the fairway if that point is in the rough – see 1. above), placing the ball with no penalty.
3. Lost Ball
There shall be no such thing as “a lost ball”. Simply place another ball as close as possible to the point where the player considers his/her ball may have disappeared (or lifted and placed in the fairway if that point is in the rough – see 1. above).
Explanation: The missing ball will be somewhere nearby and eventually stumbled upon by someone. It then becomes a “stolen ball” and the player should not compound a felony under EU Criminal Law by charging himself/herself a penalty stroke.
4. Bunker Play
A ball in a bunker rolling backwards towards the player, may be hit again “on the roll” without counting an extra stroke. No more than two strokes are to be counted when playing from a bunker.
Explanation; Since it is reasonable to assume that, if a player had the time to concentrate on the shot instead of hurrying so as not to delay his/her playing partners and people following, and so as to meet EU Golf Playing Time Standards, he/she would have been out in two.
5. Putting (Clause A)
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped.
Explanation: The EU Law of Gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop (see: the £ against the € in March). The EU Law of Gravity supersedes the rules of golf.
6. Putting (Clause B)
A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire comments such as “you could blow that in!” may be blown in without penalty. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than six inches from the hole (15.2 cm. according to the official EU Distance Conversion Law).
7. Out of Bounds
There is no penalty for a so called “out of bounds” shot. Simply place another ball as close as possible to the point where the player considers his/her ball may have crossed the bounds of the course (or lifted and placed in the fairway if that point is in the rough – see 1. above).
Explanation: If euro-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land in the first place, this would not be a problem. The golfer may be able to demand an apology and possibly compensation through the EU Court of Human Rights.
9. Equipment
A stroke per hole may be deducted from your score if your equipment is over 3 years old.
Explanation: Advertisements are always claiming that purchasing the newest clubs, balls, shoes, tees and other golfing accessories can markedly reduce golf scores, but this is financially impossible for the average golfer putting him/her at a disadvantage under EU Equality Law.
10. Scoring
The score a player reports on any hole should be regarded as his opening offer and may be changed subsequently to reflect the number that he or she best feels reflects his or her skill level, whether or not his/her playing partners or opponents agree. Note: Scores calculated in this way may not be submitted as “course records”.
Explanation: This addresses the EU-wide problem of golfers claiming vastly inflated handicaps. It will also make clearing the course faster, enabling players to reach the clubhouse bar/dining room earlier.
Lirpa Loof
European Golf Commissar
Riga, April 1st, 2010
* The Treaty of Lisbon entered into force on 1 December 2009. It provides the EU with modern institutions and optimised working methods to tackle both efficiently and effectively today's challenges in today's world. In a rapidly changing world, Europeans look to the EU to address issues such as globalisation, climatic and demographic changes, security, energy - and now golf laws. The Treaty of Lisbon reinforces democracy in the EU and its capacity to promote the interests of its citizens on a day-to-day basis, whether at work or out playing golf.